Jodi's Piece of Mind (take two)

One step forward and at least one step back

2009-11-07T20:50:00.003-05:00

Paul and I went to see a specialist this week about getting pregnant. We're both healthy and relatively young so I thought it was time to find out why we just haven't been successful in our endeavors. We saw a doctor who I am very impressed with. He recommended three tests and then told us we'd regroup after all three were completed and figure out what the deal is. Paul and I both agreed. It just happened that I could get in the following day for one of the three tests. A test I'd had done before where they would do an ultrasound of my uterus and insert saline so they could get a clearer picture of what they were looking at. It wasn't a terribly pleasant test the first time but I could survive it a second time. So, the following day I arrived at the office ready. The results were disconcerting but not terribly shocking. He found a fibroid that's about an inch long off to the right side. It is up high enough that it seems to be blocking the right tube and almost definitely eliminating the possibility of anything traveling down to attempt to be fertilized. He doesn't see that there's any option besides having it removed. So, I'm looking at surgery #3 on my uterus. I've found it very easy to speak so matter-of-factly about it all. I'm not afraid and maybe I should be. I know what the surgery is like and I understand the recovery. It's not something that I want to do but I recognize it as being something that I really have no option in. The only difference in this case is that it's a new doctor and it will be a new hospital. I'm trying to look at it as just another adventure on my quest to get pregnant.

As I was leaving the doctor's office on Friday and calling Paul with the results I half wondered if/when he's going to tell me that maybe having a baby is not on God's agenda for us. And I really hope that he doesn't. In all my years, I've never wanted to have an only child. I want Emma to have a sibling. I want to have another baby. And that's just really all there is to it.

And she's back!

2009-11-07T20:42:00.002-05:00

I befriended a guy I dated a couple times (some would call him turtle boy) and didn't think much of it. We exchanged niceties and he fell into my friend list. If I keep up with you on facebook it's because I really want to and think of you often. Sadly, not as many people as I intend to fall into this list. While there are others who I befriend because I did the same with them in my life. They were acquaintances at one time and I figure they'll be the same on facebook. He was in that category. I checked out his pictures and I moved on. Earlier this week I got a message that went like this: subject: Do you ever...; message:... wonder what we could have been?

And then it all came flooding back to me. I created this blog, this very one, a second from my original because his wife was a nut job. Oh no, seriously. She'd send me emails pretending to be her husband and asking me if we could get back together. Telling me that he wasn't happy with his wife and going on and on. Basically bating me to see what I would say. Back then I was grasping at straws and sometimes even played along not realizing who I was actually emailing. He'd deny it and I finally caught on that his wife (it may have been fiancee and that time) was the one doing the emailing. She even read my blog and would post horrible comments as anonymous. I finally gave up that blog and started this one. Seriously, wackjob. I finally lost touch with him and made no attempt to try to keep up with him. When I got his friend request I thought little of it. Although I now realize he must have been looking for me. We don't share any friends or any employers so it would be hard to find me if you didn't actually type my name in to search for.

Anyway, as I read this email, the entire back story came flooding back to me. Not convinced who I was actually responding to but not really caring I replied back. No, I don't wonder what we could have been. I explained that I was very happy with where I was in life and while I wouldn't change the past, I was looking forward and loving what I had. (so there!)

I haven't heard back. I may have to unfriend him.

Why do I care/ do these things to myself?

2009-11-02T20:49:00.002-05:00

Okay, I admit to making really dumb decisions upon a time.

Tonight it occurred to me that if Mike (the other half of Emma's genes) had a facebook account, he could keep up with what she is doing/into. Why did this occur to me? I have no freaking clue. But before I thought it through, I called him. And left him a message asking if he'd moved into the current century and signed up for facebook.

Of course he called me back. He bad mouthed facebook until I explained that even my 60+ parents know how to use facebook. He shut up and told me he'd look into it. Then he told me that he'd gotten married about a month ago. What. the. fuck? They'd been dating for a couple years and got married. He actually said she'd moved in about a month ago but I deduced that to mean they had recently gotten married. And honestly, she sounds as strange as he is. She doesn't like to drive on the freeway so she drives from Ypsilanti to Farmington to work every day on side streets. She doesn't cook (which is no biggie) so they have taken turns "trying not to kill each other."

I got off the phone and of course Emma wanted to know who I was talking to. I told her. She wanted to know what we were talking about. I mentioned facebook and she went ballistic. Why on earth would she want to be friends with him? If he wanted to know anything about her he could call her. She went on and on and had perfectly reasonable arguments. Which made me think, what the hell was I thinking? Why on earth would I think that would be a good idea? She's absolutely right.

And then my brain started running. He got married? He did not even mention that he was dating anyone. He did not make any attempt to include his daughter in his wedding or meet her step-mother. Does she even know about her? I don't know. I had the decency to introduce Paul to Mike while we were dating. I had the decency to let him know that I was engaged and getting married before it happened. My daughter was an instrumental part of my wedding and is a huge part of my life. I would not have married Paul if Emma was not okay with it (even if her opinion occasionally waivers).

Once again this proves how little she means to him. Or apparently will ever mean to him. He obviously doesn't get it. Parenthood: it's not optional for most people.

I just couldn't help myself

2009-10-22T12:09:00.003-05:00

I know I shouldn't but I just can't stop myself.

We went to Emma's conferences last night. She's doing very poorly in math and semi-poorly in Science. She's been convinced since the beginning of the school year that her science teacher hates her and she's had at least 5 math teachers so far this year because her real teacher is on medical leave.

I did not get the best impression from either of them 4 weeks ago (today might I add) when I met her math and science teachers at open house. Even then Emma said her science teacher hated her. I try to reassure her that she doesn't hate her but it's tough when I think the woman is a moron.

Case in point: Emma's social studies and language arts teachers tell me how she is doing and can annectdotally tell me about her. It's obvious that they know her. When Paul and I mention our concerns they give us real responses of what we can do to improve her grades (she's getting an A and B- so not too bad). The one thing they both say is that she's too chatty, a problem we've had an something we've heard since the day she started school. Literally. When I get to the science teacher she doesn't have a clue whose parents we are (they are sitting across the room from each other), I explain that we're Emma's parents. She unkindly explains that she has 2 Emmas so she'll need her last name. I tell her. She has no idea which class she is in and fumbles through her grade book. I tell her I think it's 4th hour class. She looks there. Nope. More fumbling. She finally finds her in her 3rd hour. She tells me her grade, which I already know because I live in 2009 and have internet access. I then proceed to explain that Emma thinks she doesn't like her, she had a difficult time making arrangments to retake/complete assignments when she was sick and again ask what we can do to help her. She reponds by telling us how she has to study for the quiz on Friday. Really, nothing more than that to help out. She also adds that she doesn't dislike her and in fast she never even hears from her. At this point I've concluded that the woman doesn't have a clue who my child actually is or she'd be telling me she talks too much in her class. Amazed, I stumble out after learning absolutely nothing about the two classes I need to hear about and concluding that while her science teacher may not hate her, she is a complete idiot.

How on earth are we going to go through the next 8 months with this woman? Ugh!

So the question is, is it really bad that I immensely dislike her teacher? It's hard not to sway Emma's opinions when I don't like her myself.

It just wasn't meant to be

2009-10-15T19:57:00.004-05:00

Rewind 24 hours:
Looking forward to a weekend with Christy and Steve. They're headed in Friday and will be here until Sunday afternoon. Emma and I are headed to Lansing to hear the Accafellas and have dinner with the fam. Saturday, Christy and I are going to find something inexpensive to do and then will have dinner with Paul and Steve. Paul has to work during the day but will head downtown after. We've got a room Saturday night at the Renaissance Center. Plus, it's sweetest day. Oh, it's going to be sweet.

Fast forward to 11 a.m. today:
Oh no, Christy's grandfather is sick and they may not be able to come. That sucks but we can reschedule that. No worries, we still have a room downtown so Paul and I can still have dinner and spend the night in D-town. It will still be a great Sweetest Day. Let's hope Paul has something planned.

A few hours later (approximately 5:30 p.m.):
Paul: Hi. How are you?
Me: Good, how's work?
P: Okay. I have something to tell you.
M: Okay, what?
P: So you know how I told you I have to work tomorrow until 11 or 12 because of the big party? Well, it's actually Saturday.
M: (silence - yes, it's rare)
P: I figured I'd better call since I knew we had plans.
M: (more silence) Okay, can we talk about this when you get home?

At this point, I am frustrated, tired, irritated and a few other emotions.

About 7 p.m.:
I receive a message from Christy telling me that there has been no change with her grandfather but her mother has encouraged her to come because there is nothing she can do other than sit around.

So, now I have a friend coming in with her boyfriend, a room at a fancy hotel, dinner as the third wheel and a spouse who, if he does come downtown, will be tired and mad that I've asked him to come because he doesn't see the point in spending the money. Yep, screwed.

Now:
Fortunately about 8 Christy calls me back and we chat and decide to forgo the entire weekend until November. This should solve all problems assuming we can get the same hotel deal for that weekend.

It does not solve the problem that I will be all alone on Sweetest Day (say nothing even if you don't believe it's a real holiday) and to make it worse that my spouse will likely attempt to ignore the entire Sweetest Day and say nothing and do nothing and make me not feel special.

Yep, I'm a little bitter today.

I never realized

2009-10-13T12:11:00.005-05:00

Growing up I always wanted to be close to my sister. Yet we never were and to this day we still aren't. We are just two very different people. Little did I know that just before my 13th birthday, the birth of a small child would change my life and my family forever. My cousin Sarah and I have the relationship I always dreamed I'd have with my sister. She's smart, wicked funny, a little bit obnoxious, lovable and just plain kind. She'd do anything for you and she views family just as importantly as I do. She's also huge on tradition, something near and dear to my heart!

Sarah's now 22 and at Michigan State. She's the most fun person I know and one of the few people I really consider my friend in Michigan. Strange because I never expected to find a friend in my cousin but I did. She calls me with favors, we strive to get together just to hang out and she's just amazing! I can't say enough about her. Some of my favorite emails are when she's sitting in class bored and sends me a random snippet of something. It often makes my day.

She said recently something about how she'd striven all her life for Robyn and I to accept her and think she was cool enough to hang out with. It really struck me because I remember feeling that way a lot. She's totally cool enough to hang out with. I just hope I never become uncool so she won't hang with me.

My wide range of emotions

2009-10-11T20:04:00.004-05:00

(just after they were told to grab something)

My cousin Luke got married yesterday. But let me start a few days earlier. I took Friday off to help my aunt get ready for the rehearsal dinner. She was freaking out (to put it mildly) and I needed a day off. It ended up that I wasn't needed until late in the day so I actually had a day to myself. I filled it with errands, movies and trips to medical folks. I decided since I had a day off that I'd pay it visiting my ob/gyn. I haven't kept my desire to have a baby a secret from many nor have a been quiet about my frustrations about not getting pregnant not coming easily. It never fails to make me feel better after talking to her and this appointment did the same. She gave me some names of specialists, took blood and reassured me. I left for Jackson, MI with a lot to think about on the drive. I spent the next 24 hours in choir practices, rehearsal dinners, family visiting, a wedding and a reception. All without my husband who was at home working and planning to join us after work on Saturday. Ever so often I'd be attacked with pregnant woman, new babies or other things reminding me of the emptiness I am so acutely feeling right now. I couldn't help but be a little envious and even a little jealous. I'd read articles about woman who had been trying to get pregnant and stopped do anything social because it became torture to see their friends with babies. I vowed never to do that. Honestly, I'm thrilled for everyone with babies. They are so fortunate to have their dreams come true and I'm more than happy to hold their little one (I was told by one new parent that I was amazing when I stopped their fussy baby from crying) but sometimes it strikes me hard. Although I have to admit that the thing that hit me the hardest was listening to my cousin's new mother-in-law comment as Diane and Luke were opening their wedding presents that they'd better not get pregnant too quickly because she wasn't ready to plan another party. It dawned on me then that my cousin who is ten years younger than I am and one day married could possibly have a baby before I do. That one hit hard.

So I've turned the other cheek (or not - but I'm trying), I'm going to do my best and not get upset. We will have that baby we've longed for. When it's right. And I need to stop stressing about it because that's not helping at all. Just like the Little Engine that Could -- I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

You called me a what?

2009-10-06T11:46:00.002-05:00

My husband called me a picture whore over the weekend. I attempted to be offended but I couldn't help but laugh out loud. We had to take every picture down in our living room and hallway to paint and have the carpet installed and we do have many. As we were putting our life (or living room) back together I suggested that we might want to move some pictures around a bit. He laughed at me and told that I was a picture whore and had plenty. Why on earth didn't I share? :)

I can't help but laugh at think he's perfectly right.

$1 X 10,000 = big money!

2009-10-01T11:48:00.002-05:00

We're doing a social media project here at work today. We're trying to raise $10,000 for ALS (that's Lou Gherig's disease) today $1 at a time. So please, can you afford $1? If so, of if you'd like to learn more about what we're doing, click the link below.

http://www.tweetforals.com/

It never gets old!

2009-09-29T17:55:00.002-05:00

How bad is it that I love free things? And even though I feel guilty, I'll take all that is given to me. Or to the company I work for. And I love connections. Who would have known? One of my co-workers and I went to the D today to meet with some folks at the Marriott downtown. I am lucky enough to be friends with the General Manager so I'd asked him if he might gather some prizes for us for a meeting we have this week and also to see if he'd be up for partnering with us for some QL discounts. He was anxious to do any and all of it. So, we set a date and took a field trip this morning. I knew it would be good but I didn't have any idea how good it would be. We got 2-3 overnights at local hotels, meals, gift cards, jewelry, spa stuff, movie tickets and more. It was awesome! We have the most amazing prizes for the meeting we're doing on Thursday. I'M SO EXCITED! And I love the fanfare that I get when I bring back the goods and people are impressed. It really is a lot of fun. I think I should feel guilty that I love it so.

The good, the bad and the ugly of Vegas

2009-09-20T15:14:00.004-05:00

Strangely enough, this is actually through Plexiglas. The Eiffel Tower is actually across the street from the Bellagio but it reflected in the glass as I took the picture.

This is the view out our hotel window. Not much of a view of the pools but the sights of Vegas.

Paul and I spent three days last week in Las Vegas. I went for a conference and he tagged along. We left on Tuesday afternoon. The flight was uneventful but I've learned over the years that I must mentally prepare myself to spend many hours on a plane or in a car where I'm mostly confined. I was so busy getting myself through my work hours trying to get things done that I missed that step so the last 90 minutes of the flight felt a little like torture. I did sit next to a woman on the plane who, as it turned out, was also going to the conference. She lives near Williamsport, PA so we chatted a bit. We stayed at the Bellagio. It's a lovely hotel with fabulous amenities. We had a shower and a tub plus turn down service each night. We even had controls near our bed to open and close the drapes. I think we needs those at home now too. :) On Tuesday evening we had a cocktail/networking event. The food part of the evening was wonderful but the registration was a nightmare. They had two lines where people could register but about 500 people trying to register at the same time. Insanity! And sadly, the event started at 6:30 but my body, still on eastern time, thought it was 9:30 and was darn ready for bed. We were in bed before the turn down service actually arrived and had to send them away because we were practically asleep.

We slept hard but not long waking up at 5:30 a.m. to the sound of my phone ringing, not the alarm. My boss had left a message on my voice mail at work and it calls me within 3 minutes. It was, after all, 8:30 at home. Ugh! The morning meetings were good although I was a bit distracted. It is merit review time at work and I'm in charge of the imports. They had finally sent them to me 10 minutes before I was to leave for the airport and I had less than good success getting a solid internet connection from my room. To say that I was panicked was mild. So, I skipped the first break out session and spent almost three hours in the internet cafe getting them imported. I felt much better afterward thought. The Wednesday night dinner and show were a little silly. Dinner was good (they always feed us well) but the show was ridiculous. They had a guy, who really could sing, performing many 80s songs. He convinced audience members to come up on stage with him and dance and sing and play instruments. We stayed for about and hour after dinner ended and then went outside to see the fountains of Bellagio. They have a show every 15 minutes after 8. Then we wandered around on the streets of Vegas. Anyone who knows Paul understands the he's not good in crowds. They tend to make him short tempered and a little insane. So, with hoards of people on the streets his temper was not going to last long. But we wandered until close to 10. At one point we got a little lost and weren't really sure where we were going. I was exhausted and he was frustrated and tempers began to flare when I reminded him that all I really wanted was to go to bed. We found our way shortly after and fell into bed. Paul watched tv for a few minutes (the beauty of an afternoon nap for him) and I crashed. Hard. Only to wake up at 6:30 ready for the day.
Thursday was the final day for the conference. There were four break out sessions and then the closing remarks. The sessions I attended were very informative. I learned something in each one. I even won a prize at the end of the conference. A gift card to Ruth's Chris Steak house. It easily cinched where we were having dinner. I had the largest filet I think I've ever seen and we went overboard on garlic cheese bread and scallops so I could only eat about 1/2 of my steak (I'd also ordered creamed spinach but I'm not sure why now) before I thought I was going to be ill. Somehow Paul finished both steaks and even ate some of my spinach and his shoestring fries. It was almost an incredible feat. After dinner we went to Fremont Street. I'd been told to check it out. We again feel into an area with a ton of people so I knew our visit would be short. Paul wasn't going to survive the crowds for long (now I understand why he didn't enjoy going to Vegas when he and Lynda went years ago). Somehow we ended up walking back to the stratosphere (almost 2 miles) in the dark. Some areas we walked through were a lot scary. I also observed that there are a large amount of Bail Bonds offices. I thought of Stephanie Plum from the Janet Evanovich novels as I walked past. :)
Friday was actually our day of calm. I booked us a couples massage, I checked my work email, we ate a leisurely lunch and lounged at the pool until we had to leave for the airport. I felt almost guilty having so little to do on a work day. My biggest frustration was that we weren't seated together on the flight and I couldn't figure out online how to move us so we were together. I also had a hang nail. I know, I hear the small violins playing for me. Who would have thought that it was so difficult to get something to cut a hangnail with. First I tried the salon in the hotel but everyone was with a customer and they wouldn't help me. Once we arrived at the airport, I tried a spa there to but with the same result. Fortunately, the airline was able to move our seats and put us together. We even got a bulkhead seat so we had a lot of leg room. It was nice to have that and no one seated next to us. I read and Paul slept much of the way home. I think the extra room plus being a little more relaxed made the trip home very pleasant. Although I was unsure if I was ready to be home, I was headed that way regardless.
Most people wonder how much money you won or lost in Vegas. I can't help but smile when I tell you that it was only $3. We aren't big gamblers so that's all we played. Slot machines are about as risky as I'll go so there's the story. Someone told me that only losing $3 was like winning in Vegas. I'll go with that.

So much fun!

2009-09-14T19:35:00.004-05:00

Have I ever mentioned how much fun it is to tease a 12 year old? I'm sure if you have or have ever had children of that age you completely understand. It's quite simple and really very enjoyable.

Last night we came home from dinner out with the in-laws and I had about eight loads of laundry to sort and fold. It seemed like the never-ending task but I decided to get to it. Short after I started, Paul decided to close the front door (that looks in on our bedroom) to get better draw from the fan. Feel a little warm, I decided it was time to take my pants off. What's wrong with folding laundry pants-less? I continued my folding until I got to the blue clothes where I realized that the shirt I was wearing had been part of the load and I'd worn it for about two hours and hadn't spilled anything on it so it really was still clean so I decided to take it off to keep it clean, fold it and get it ready to be put away also. So, now I'm shirtless too. It was pretty warm in the house and while I toyed with putting on a t-shirt and shorts it just seemed a little pointless. So, I folded laundry in my bra and underwear. It was all working out splendidly until Emma meandered into the bedroom. She, of course, was horrified. I went through the Spanish inquisition and many rolls of her eyes and she finally walked out of the room. Very disgruntled. I had just about finished folding the laundry so I had to take Emma her clothes and put away towels and the usual things you do when you've finished folding. Each time I passed Emma she made some sort of comment in her disgusted tone. I couldn't help but be very entertained. This went on for awhile until she attempted to give me an ultimatum about how I had to put my clothes on or she was going to sleep on the couch. Which rarely works with me. I reminded her who was boss, sent her to the basement for her sheets and helped her make her bed (still not full dressed). I thought she was going to lose her mind which was an even better reason for me not to put on a t-shirt and shorts. I was enjoying it way too much!

In the end, I put on a t-shirt but took off my bra so when she commented that at least I'd put on a shirt I could brag that I still had the same amount of items on, they had just covered me more, I was met with more eye rolling. Thanks goodness for bed time! :)

Sometimes surprises are better

2009-09-13T12:45:00.002-05:00

Paul and I were invited to a friend's house last night for a bbq. I offered to make a salad and didn't expect much more than a bbq and bonfire. Sounded perfect for an almost fall Saturday night. We rode the bike and I smelled the many fires as we drive to Clawson. It was a beautiful night in Southeastern Michigan and I was pleased to be out with friends. We arrived with little fan fare, I saw people I knew, which was a good thing, and settled in for the evening. Not long into the night I realized that not only were we at a bonfire and bbq but some random guy in the back bedroom of the house was doing tattoos. Seemed a little random to me but whatever. The long we hung out the more people who went to the bedroom for their body art. And the more strange the evening got. While I knew some of the folks, many of them were strangers. And a few of them were just a little strange. Time went by quickly and it was time to leave. It was a chilly ride home on the bike (I should have packed another layer but didn't think of it) but memories of the people watching and the interesting folk have stayed with me.

Going, going, gone!

2009-09-10T19:54:00.002-05:00

I hate to speak too soon but I believe we have a renter for Paul's house. We listed it in June with a July 1 availability and had lots of nibbles but it's taken this long to have a real interest. We took her application, ran her background and she showed her kids their new home today. Paul's out celebrating. I just hope he's not spending the security deposit.

Happy First Day of School!

2009-09-08T19:15:00.002-05:00

It was Emma's first day of 7th grade. Hard to believe, huh? In just four short years she'll be driving. Perhaps we should take precautions now. Truth be told, I wasn't ready for the school year to begin. I love summer. I love the lack of hustle and bustle and being able to sleep ten minutes longer in the morning almost anytime I want. When school starts, I just can't do it anymore. Plus, it signals cooler weather which never makes me happy. And of course, the #1 parent that I am, I forgot to take a picture of her on her first day of school. I remembered half way there. She swears I took pictures last year but I think I forgot last year too. Does it make it better that I took pictures each year of her elementary school career? I think it does.

We had a celebratory dinner tonight at Olgas and then a brief stint for t-shirts for Paul and we headed home. Emma only got a pair of $4 flip flops. She, of course, thought she'd been wronged.

We're getting back into the swing of things. Showers at night, fights at the end of the week because everyone is tired and home work.

Summer, please come back. I'm not ready to see you go yet.

Some days you just need a reminder

2009-09-04T14:40:00.003-05:00

Last weekend when I was in Chicago I was missing home a little but also loving being away with friends. It's a strange feeling to be gone. I have some of the dearest friends and then others who become friends since they are friends of friends. Last weekend was one of those. I took a road trip with my dearest, most kind and awesome friend Kiera. And Colm who is right up there although he's really a friend of Kiera's he's also an awesome person. I often struggle since I grew up far from here and have never been one to make friends easily (I'm one who has few friends but they are very important to me and will be around forever) that the people I spend time with are usually family, sometimes co-workers but rarely friends who I have developed over time. Now that doesn't mean they aren't sweet or special at all. And I've noticed that my newer friends are people I've met through Paul and I am very fond of but there is something about the friendships I have developed on my own over time. Kiera is one of those.

I got a little off topic, sorry!

Anyway, I sent a text to Paul just sending over my love and telling him that I missed him. We went back and forth in the sweetest text exchange and it warmed my heart. Some days it's just nice to know that someone loves you and is grateful for you and looks forward to forever. I'm very lucky that my forever is with Paul.

Glances from my weekend

2009-08-31T20:56:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to me!

2009-08-26T12:18:00.004-05:00

Okay so my birthday was actually Monday but I've been busy. I did have to share a few of the highlights (or low lights) of my day.

Sunday we got home from shopping/picking up Emma around midnight. Before we fell into bed Paul wished me a happy birthday. He also told me he had a present for me that I had to open before Emma got up in the morning. Unsure of what he meant (by my mind was in the gutter, I'll be honest), I was intrigued and excited. When I was ready to get up in the morning, I asked if I should open my gift before or after my morning shower. I was told that I could have it after my shower. So, I headed to the bathroom, got undressed and turned on the shower. When what to my wondering eyes should appear? No, not tiny reindeer but a new shower head. I'll be honest when I tell you I was unsure if that was the present or if there was still something to unwrap but I just waited. Yep, that was the present.

I was asked early on as I arrived at work why I hadn't taken the day off. Wen I explained that I could have 40 or more people wish me a happy birthday versus only 2 at home, they understood the method to my madness.

After work we went to dinner with my in laws. I opened my gifts, which often tend to be a wild card, cautiously. First I opened the card which nicely contained a check -- made out to Jennifer Lloyd (my sister-in-law). I wasn't entirely sure how to handle it but graciously said thank you and told her that I might need a new check containing my name. Doh!

And the final faux pas of the day. Emma kindly made me a birthday cake but she couldn't find the oil so she just did without. I've never had quite as dense of a cake as the one that is mostly uneaten and still waiting to be devoured in the microwave (Jet tends to steal things).

Just some random thoughts

2009-08-22T15:19:00.003-05:00

Emma comes home tomorrow. I'm excited and dreading it all at the same time. I love having her home but it adds a layer of stress to my house that I'm not looking forward to. She and Emma fight like cats and dogs and sometimes I just want to tell them to shut the f up. It's true and it's not nice.

I spent a day alone and it was nice. I'm feeling a little down today. It's chilly and gray. It's my niece, Kyla's birthday. I sent her two messages. It makes me sad that we're so distant from family that lives two miles from us. And I'm not sure how to change that.

I went and saw Julie and Julia today. It was good but not great. I also went to the Farmer's market. It was crazy packed but I got lots of good things.

I think I may be pregnant. Let me rephrase that, I thought I was pregnant but I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I think this is adding to my thoughts of feeling down. It would have made a great birthday present. The best ever. Now I'm just hoping that the test was wrong or I took it too early and somehow it will turn out to be positive. Why on earth is it so hard for me to get pregnant? I read an article at the dentist this week about second child infertility. It really struck me. Fortunately I did not cry in the dentists office.

I wish my husband was more of a romantic. I'd really love flowers at work for my birthday. Or something sweet and unexpected. He's just not good like that and I can't seem to convince him that it's important to me that he do things romantic and unexpected every once in awhile. I even send him hints like romantic dinner and a night at a hotel that I suggested he do for my birthday. I know he read it but I suspect he just deleted it. I do things like that for his birthday because I like them and know that he enjoys them. I think it's more for me. If I can't convince him to do them for my birthday, then I'll do them for him. Reasonable, right?

This is going to be a busy week. Emma's school registration on Tuesday, the Jonas Brothers on Thursday, Chicago with friends next weekend and only three and a half days of work this week. Life is looking up already as I write this blog.

I hope all my readers are well and happy. I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself but sometimes it's just necessary. Monday is my birthday so it is guaranteed to be a good day. Two years ago on my birthday I got engaged. Seems like an eternity ago.

I am getting better

2009-08-19T12:49:00.003-05:00

Have I mentioned that Emma's in Chicago? I love when she goes but I also miss her terribly. However, for the sake of my marriage, having Emma gone and not driving Paul nuts for a few days in the summer is a godsend! Paul and I have some time to be childless newlyweds and do whatever we do or don't want without traipsing all over tar nation delivering Emma to one friend or the other. It's a nice break for everyone. One of the things I had done was give Paul and challenge to improve an area of his life. He appeared to accept but as the days went on, I was disappointed that he wasn't really embracing it. When I questioned him he told me that he was really happy with how it was and didn't see the need to improve. I was really excited about the change so I was saddened with his response but didn't really know how to tell him. On one hand, I wasn't unhappy with the way it was currently. Instead I was looking forward to the change and somehow felt rejected that he didn't want to improve. I know, strange. All evening I hemmed and hawed over it. I didn't really know what to say and did a decent job of ignoring it until I went to bed. As I got ready for bed, I became ambivalent about the whole situation and reluctantly said goodnight to my spouse and headed for bed. Of course I couldn't sleep. I ran through every possible conversation in my head and just when I was going to get up and talk it over, Paul came to bed. And we talked. And we resolved my conflict and all is well. In the past I'd just keep it bottled up and even if it bothered me it didn't seem important enough to bring it out in the open and discuss it. I've also realized that eventually it comes out and I just need to calmly and rationally discuss it up front before it becomes the fight of the century (which has yet to happen, I might add).

So, I'm getting better.

From my perspective

2009-08-17T19:42:00.002-05:00

Saturday night about 11:30 our house phone rang. I was asleep so it took me awhile to get to the living room to answer it. In fact, it took me too long and I missed it. It was a Chicago area code but I didn't recognize the number. I waited but they didn't leave a message. I attempted to call it back but there was no 1 so it didn't work correctly. I gave up and went back to bed. Just as I drifted off to sleep again Paul's phone rang. My mind made the connection that it must be someone I knew and they needed us. At this point it was almost midnight. Paul answered the phone and eventually handed it to me. It was Emma. After a lot of rambling, I had gathered enough information to find out that my sister and her husband had gone to a party and they kids were scared. They had called them at the party and were told that they needed to go to sleep. Hundreds of thoughts came flying through my brain: Emma's 12. They aren't old enough to be home alone. Why didn't they say they'd be right home when the kids called. They aren't coming home. Oh, I'm going to kill someone. What on earth are you thinking? There were so many more but I can't even recall them all. I offered to call my sister and voice my anger but was told not to. I tried to give as much help as I could from 300+ miles away but I'm not sure how helpful I was. Each suggestion I gave I was told that they couldn't do or they'd get in trouble. Finally when she'd calmed enough and I told her to have my sister call if they were in trouble for doing anything and agreeing not to call my sister, I got off the phone. But of course I couldn't sleep. I was furious. I kept spouting stuff at Paul (who really hoped I'd go to sleep) and finally got up and called my sister. I felt badly for betraying Emma's trust but this wasn't going to continue. I got her voice mail. I called my BIL and got his voice mail. I called my sister again. Same thing. So I took my phone and went to bed. Minutes later my sister called back. She got an earful but I was nicer than I could have been. I was told that my BIL had already gone home. I was finally able to fall into a restless sleep.

The next morning my mom called (the kids had called her too). She was incensed and was spouting. I went back and forth with Emma about whether or not she wanted to come home. She was unsure which makes me sad because normally that's her safe place and she loves it. Eventually my mom talked to my sister and then my sister called me. She apologized and said that she'd never do it again and had let her friends talk her into making a decision that in retrospect she wasn't really comfortable with but had justified in her mind. And, most importantly, she apologized to Emma. Emma agreed to stay for her last week and while I'm still very displeased, if my child is okay, then I'm okay.

Catching up

2009-08-14T12:53:00.005-05:00

I meant to do this all week and just haven't had a chance. Last weekend we (the Groenewouds, Hales, Lycans and Lloyds) went to Holland -- Michigan for a family reunion. It was my great grandmother's family, the Lievenses. Saturday morning we went on a tour and saw the church where the family attended, many cemeteries and the historic society. It was really neat to see where I fit in the family and how it all connected. We saw the dress that my great, great, great aunt was supposed to wear when she got married. However, her intended had a house that's inappropriate for her to live in and when he wouldn't fix it, she called off the wedding. My aunt, Mary, had the engagement watch and donated it to the historic society. Saturday afternoon, we went to a cousin's house for a bbq and time to chat with family, swap stories, etc... We also went to the family farm - which has been in the family for over 100 years - for a picture (the picture above is just the Cornelia Lievense (my great grandmother) part of the family). We all had plates with numbers on them. The first pictures we had the numbers near us so they could ID who we were. The other pictures were without the numbers. Now they are going to match them up. Overall, it was a very cool experience. I think even the in-laws enjoyed it.

Sunday, we went to church where my dad and Mary grew up attending. The sermon was a little dull and getting there was quite frustrating but we went. After church we had a yummy brunch at a restaurant overlooking the lake. The Lycan's went their separate ways taking Emma along with them for two more weeks in Chicago. Paul and I went and bought tulip bulbs (did you know they have some called Groeneland?) and then headed east for the Detroit metro area. We met my parents and aunt for dinner near home and then prepared ourselves mentally for another crazy week. We haven't been let down.

This weekend is the Woodward dream cruise so we'll be headed toward Woodward after work to enjoy some friends and fun.

We certainly do keep ourselves busy.

Inappropriate

2009-08-05T12:55:00.002-05:00

Things occasionally fly out of my mouth that shouldn't. I think it's better that I recognize this. However, it does not compare to the number of random and uncomfortable conversations that I have with my mother-in-law. Of the recent conversations, below is a list of topics that should not EVER be discussed:

my sex life
your sex life
when you got pregnant with my husband
anything relating to living in Livonia (it was 40+ years ago)
the phrase "fooling around"
water spots on dishes at the Lodge (is it really imporant?)
the kindness of Paul's former girlfriends
her taking care of Lynda (this one is a little better than the rest)
any body part that is normally covered by a swim suit

Apparently I should publish the list to her as she doesn't seem to get it.

And then they all said "aw"

2009-08-04T11:07:00.005-05:00

I tend to be a little random. Don't laugh. And I often send random text messages to my husband just so he knows I'm thinking about him. Yesterday after work I was headed to a meeting and felt the need to tell him I loved him. He often sends me a tongue in cheek response so I was grinning even before I read it.

It said: I thank God everyday for you, the love of my life. Hapiness is mine eternally.

How freaking awesome is he?

Did I win or lose?

2009-07-31T11:53:00.002-05:00

I've been rather under the weather for the past two weeks. Turned out to be a sinus infection and then it turned into bronchitis. Neither are enjoyable. Emma's been a champ about making dinner and doing her chores so I haven't had to worry about much. Tuesday night I came home to find the table on the front porch set and Emma demanding I sit down. She proceeded to bring food out and we started to eat. Shortly after Paul arrived home from the dentist and needed food. As she brought it out, the door swung wide and the dog felt it was his time to escape the confines of our house (i.e. run away as fast as his long legs will carry 75 lbs.). It all appears to be in slow motion as I reached out to grab his collar only grabbing the back edge of it but holding on for dear life. He's a big dog so as he continued trying to escape he pulled me over, chair and all and I hit the cement. Hard. I let go of the dog and stood up in pain, of course claiming I was fine. The dog realized he'd hurt me and was cowering in the corner. He nicely went back in the house immediately following. My leg has not yet recovered and has the most massive, ugly bruise in the shape of the arm of the chair that I've ever seen. Ugh! I took some pictures because it's so ugly and will try to post them later so you can really understand.