Sometimes it just takes a day.

Recently I read a book called QBQ: The Question Behind the Question. It was work related but mostly conversational and a fast read. It reminded me that the only person I can change is myself. And the only person who can improve my work situation is me. I wrote a response to an email on Thursday afternoon that I whole heartedly believe but it wasn't terribly nice. It was pointed and straight forward but not something that would typically come out of my mouth. I decided not to send it and wait until the next day to see if I still felt the same way. Friday morning I read it and I did still feel the same way but I wasn't as adamant about sending it. So, I waited. Of course I obsessed about work all weekend long but for some reason my perspective had changed. Last week I was ready to throw in the towel and find a new job. Now I realize that maybe, just maybe by communicating and being truthful to myself and kindly honest that i can make it work. Only time will tell and a possible run-in later this week with my boss may change my perspective again but for now, I'm going to do my best and be my best person. It doesn't change the fact that I feel that I can do no right but it does change my way of dealing with it.

Thanksgiving Parade

On Thursday, yes Thanksgiving morning, we bundled up and went downtown Detroit to watch America's Thanksgiving parade. Paul and I took Emma, Ben, Abby and Jack. We wore lots of layers and brought more blankets than there were people but we had a blast. We had hot cocoa and breakfast foods and had a great time watching the floats go by.

I think Emma enjoyed it even more since she helped clean the floats when we volunteered. She pointed out the new floats and told her cousins which ones she climbed on/cleaned. A good time was had by all.

Blogging = public?

I love blogging. I love searching through others favorites and learning about others lives. That's the beauty of blogging. Lately, however, two of the blogs I read have gone private. And sadly, I'm not a close friend, okay they don't actually know me from Adam, but I feel like I know them. And now, I'm no longer allowed to read their blogs. It hurts. I guess I understand the point to going private although if you have a blog, aren't you already posting to the world? What are you really gaining by going private? It seems a little oxymoronic to the whole blog concept. Or is it just me?

Spinning out of control

I had the following dream Saturday night:

Paul and I were headed east on Commerce Road in a massive snow storm. The roads were covered and visibility was limited. We stopped at the intersection of Commerce and Union Lake Road preparing to turn right. A larger SUV was ahead of us but it appeared no one else was on the road. The car in front of us inched into the intersection and left turned on red. Paul and I marveled but the light appeared to be taking forever to turn green. Finally I inched into the intersection also and turned on red. No one was coming so I felt good doing it. I proceeded north carefully, going very slowly. It was snowing like crazy. The next thing I knew the van was spinning out of control. As slow as we had been going, the van was picking up speed and spinning faster and faster. I tried to figure out how far we had travelled while trying to relax. I fully expected that at any moment we were going to hit something with a huge bang and the van was going to be demolished. I doubted in my mind that we were going to make it out alive. I mentally told myself to relax and maybe when we hit I’d be able to survive. I don’t recall screaming, I just recall fear and an expectation of death that never came. We were still spinning and I think even flipped but I finally woke up. My heart was beating so fast and I was terrified. The scene kept replaying itself in my mind. I had to tell myself that we miraculously stopped in a parking lot and not only did we not hit anything, we walked out of the accident completely unharmed. It was the only way I could go back to sleep.

Later on Sunday I described my dream to Paul. He point blank asked me if I thought it symbolized my life spinning out of control. Honestly, I hadn’t tried to analyze it but I think that’s exactly what I think it means. My brain feels like my life is out of control and at some point it’s going to hit something very hard.

I guess only time will tell.

It should not define me!

Six, maybe even seven years ago now I was in a terrible situation at work. Going to work every day was a challenge and it continued to dig away at my self esteem. Eventually I fell into a deep depression, one that was actually diagnosed as clinical depression. I got help, moved on and finally got a new job. I think I convinced myself that life just wasn't good then but in looking back I think I held too much of myself in how others viewed me at work. Or moreso how the quality of my work and the feedback from my leaders directly impacted me and my happiness. It's crazy but I can feel it happening again and am trying my best to fight it.

In August there was some changes in leadership. I am now reporting to someone else . Lately, probably for the past three or four weeks it's been spiraling downward. Each day, my new leader says something that sends me spiraling. It's all about what I can't do or what I must do because I haven't. In essence it feels negative all the time. And I'm having a really hard time with it.

I work my butt off 45 or more hours per week. I do good work. I receive good feedback. I have people come to me because they trust me. I answer 100+ emails per day without guidance yet it's that one conversation that inevitably happens that I can't forget. I try to justify it and tell myself that in the end it will make me better but right now I just want to flee.

It's a tough way to spend Monday through Friday.

Suggestions are greatly appreciated. Job offers even more so. :)

And another one bites the dust

Another week has flown by and my blog has been empty. I used to be so good about telling you everything about my life. Somehow it seemed more interesting then.

I've had this crazy unexplained illness for the past couple weeks. Nothing overwhelming just that not right feeling that has been plaguing me. I went to the doctor on Tuesday. He said nothing. He mentioned swine flu but not to the point where I really believed him. And then I left. He half accused me of seeing him so I could get out of work. As if I had that option. Although I did stay home from work one day this week (the first of all the days this plague had occurred). And I ended up picking my stranded husband up at Kroger (I'd sent him for ibuprofen and he locked the keys in the car then proceeded to leave our groceries in the cart so that someone could steal them -- we bought ibuprofen twice that day), take a nap, watch Days of Our Lives (did you know one of the story lines started like two years ago?) and then worked from 2-almost 7. So much for relaxing, watching Oprah and reading my book. And then my boss attempted to charge me 8 hours of sick time. Fortunately she was understanding when I asked to change it to 4.

I was back to the grind the next day and not feeling much better. Today I woke up feeling a tad bit of relief. I may be on the mend. A good thing since Christy is coming to town this weekend. We're sharing a two bedroom suite with them tomorrow. Christy and I are having our yearly girls weekend (this year shared with our significant others) which includes spending money I shouldn't this close to Christmas and hopefully being able to put gas in my car next week. I'm sure it will be fine.

Oh, and to finish off the week in good measure, I sold all 100 of Emma's raffle tickets (only buying 10 for myself) and turned in the money before the raffle ticket police came to get me. It was close though, we'd already received the letter "To the Parents of Emma G.... Whoops.

One step forward and at least one step back

Paul and I went to see a specialist this week about getting pregnant. We're both healthy and relatively young so I thought it was time to find out why we just haven't been successful in our endeavors. We saw a doctor who I am very impressed with. He recommended three tests and then told us we'd regroup after all three were completed and figure out what the deal is. Paul and I both agreed. It just happened that I could get in the following day for one of the three tests. A test I'd had done before where they would do an ultrasound of my uterus and insert saline so they could get a clearer picture of what they were looking at. It wasn't a terribly pleasant test the first time but I could survive it a second time. So, the following day I arrived at the office ready. The results were disconcerting but not terribly shocking. He found a fibroid that's about an inch long off to the right side. It is up high enough that it seems to be blocking the right tube and almost definitely eliminating the possibility of anything traveling down to attempt to be fertilized. He doesn't see that there's any option besides having it removed. So, I'm looking at surgery #3 on my uterus. I've found it very easy to speak so matter-of-factly about it all. I'm not afraid and maybe I should be. I know what the surgery is like and I understand the recovery. It's not something that I want to do but I recognize it as being something that I really have no option in. The only difference in this case is that it's a new doctor and it will be a new hospital. I'm trying to look at it as just another adventure on my quest to get pregnant.

As I was leaving the doctor's office on Friday and calling Paul with the results I half wondered if/when he's going to tell me that maybe having a baby is not on God's agenda for us. And I really hope that he doesn't. In all my years, I've never wanted to have an only child. I want Emma to have a sibling. I want to have another baby. And that's just really all there is to it.

And she's back!

I befriended a guy I dated a couple times (some would call him turtle boy) and didn't think much of it. We exchanged niceties and he fell into my friend list. If I keep up with you on facebook it's because I really want to and think of you often. Sadly, not as many people as I intend to fall into this list. While there are others who I befriend because I did the same with them in my life. They were acquaintances at one time and I figure they'll be the same on facebook. He was in that category. I checked out his pictures and I moved on. Earlier this week I got a message that went like this: subject: Do you ever...; message:... wonder what we could have been?

And then it all came flooding back to me. I created this blog, this very one, a second from my original because his wife was a nut job. Oh no, seriously. She'd send me emails pretending to be her husband and asking me if we could get back together. Telling me that he wasn't happy with his wife and going on and on. Basically bating me to see what I would say. Back then I was grasping at straws and sometimes even played along not realizing who I was actually emailing. He'd deny it and I finally caught on that his wife (it may have been fiancee and that time) was the one doing the emailing. She even read my blog and would post horrible comments as anonymous. I finally gave up that blog and started this one. Seriously, wackjob. I finally lost touch with him and made no attempt to try to keep up with him. When I got his friend request I thought little of it. Although I now realize he must have been looking for me. We don't share any friends or any employers so it would be hard to find me if you didn't actually type my name in to search for.

Anyway, as I read this email, the entire back story came flooding back to me. Not convinced who I was actually responding to but not really caring I replied back. No, I don't wonder what we could have been. I explained that I was very happy with where I was in life and while I wouldn't change the past, I was looking forward and loving what I had. (so there!)

I haven't heard back. I may have to unfriend him.