One step forward and at least one step back

Paul and I went to see a specialist this week about getting pregnant. We're both healthy and relatively young so I thought it was time to find out why we just haven't been successful in our endeavors. We saw a doctor who I am very impressed with. He recommended three tests and then told us we'd regroup after all three were completed and figure out what the deal is. Paul and I both agreed. It just happened that I could get in the following day for one of the three tests. A test I'd had done before where they would do an ultrasound of my uterus and insert saline so they could get a clearer picture of what they were looking at. It wasn't a terribly pleasant test the first time but I could survive it a second time. So, the following day I arrived at the office ready. The results were disconcerting but not terribly shocking. He found a fibroid that's about an inch long off to the right side. It is up high enough that it seems to be blocking the right tube and almost definitely eliminating the possibility of anything traveling down to attempt to be fertilized. He doesn't see that there's any option besides having it removed. So, I'm looking at surgery #3 on my uterus. I've found it very easy to speak so matter-of-factly about it all. I'm not afraid and maybe I should be. I know what the surgery is like and I understand the recovery. It's not something that I want to do but I recognize it as being something that I really have no option in. The only difference in this case is that it's a new doctor and it will be a new hospital. I'm trying to look at it as just another adventure on my quest to get pregnant.

As I was leaving the doctor's office on Friday and calling Paul with the results I half wondered if/when he's going to tell me that maybe having a baby is not on God's agenda for us. And I really hope that he doesn't. In all my years, I've never wanted to have an only child. I want Emma to have a sibling. I want to have another baby. And that's just really all there is to it.

And she's back!

I befriended a guy I dated a couple times (some would call him turtle boy) and didn't think much of it. We exchanged niceties and he fell into my friend list. If I keep up with you on facebook it's because I really want to and think of you often. Sadly, not as many people as I intend to fall into this list. While there are others who I befriend because I did the same with them in my life. They were acquaintances at one time and I figure they'll be the same on facebook. He was in that category. I checked out his pictures and I moved on. Earlier this week I got a message that went like this: subject: Do you ever...; message:... wonder what we could have been?

And then it all came flooding back to me. I created this blog, this very one, a second from my original because his wife was a nut job. Oh no, seriously. She'd send me emails pretending to be her husband and asking me if we could get back together. Telling me that he wasn't happy with his wife and going on and on. Basically bating me to see what I would say. Back then I was grasping at straws and sometimes even played along not realizing who I was actually emailing. He'd deny it and I finally caught on that his wife (it may have been fiancee and that time) was the one doing the emailing. She even read my blog and would post horrible comments as anonymous. I finally gave up that blog and started this one. Seriously, wackjob. I finally lost touch with him and made no attempt to try to keep up with him. When I got his friend request I thought little of it. Although I now realize he must have been looking for me. We don't share any friends or any employers so it would be hard to find me if you didn't actually type my name in to search for.

Anyway, as I read this email, the entire back story came flooding back to me. Not convinced who I was actually responding to but not really caring I replied back. No, I don't wonder what we could have been. I explained that I was very happy with where I was in life and while I wouldn't change the past, I was looking forward and loving what I had. (so there!)

I haven't heard back. I may have to unfriend him.

Why do I care/ do these things to myself?

Okay, I admit to making really dumb decisions upon a time.

Tonight it occurred to me that if Mike (the other half of Emma's genes) had a facebook account, he could keep up with what she is doing/into. Why did this occur to me? I have no freaking clue. But before I thought it through, I called him. And left him a message asking if he'd moved into the current century and signed up for facebook.

Of course he called me back. He bad mouthed facebook until I explained that even my 60+ parents know how to use facebook. He shut up and told me he'd look into it. Then he told me that he'd gotten married about a month ago. What. the. fuck? They'd been dating for a couple years and got married. He actually said she'd moved in about a month ago but I deduced that to mean they had recently gotten married. And honestly, she sounds as strange as he is. She doesn't like to drive on the freeway so she drives from Ypsilanti to Farmington to work every day on side streets. She doesn't cook (which is no biggie) so they have taken turns "trying not to kill each other."

I got off the phone and of course Emma wanted to know who I was talking to. I told her. She wanted to know what we were talking about. I mentioned facebook and she went ballistic. Why on earth would she want to be friends with him? If he wanted to know anything about her he could call her. She went on and on and had perfectly reasonable arguments. Which made me think, what the hell was I thinking? Why on earth would I think that would be a good idea? She's absolutely right.

And then my brain started running. He got married? He did not even mention that he was dating anyone. He did not make any attempt to include his daughter in his wedding or meet her step-mother. Does she even know about her? I don't know. I had the decency to introduce Paul to Mike while we were dating. I had the decency to let him know that I was engaged and getting married before it happened. My daughter was an instrumental part of my wedding and is a huge part of my life. I would not have married Paul if Emma was not okay with it (even if her opinion occasionally waivers).

Once again this proves how little she means to him. Or apparently will ever mean to him. He obviously doesn't get it. Parenthood: it's not optional for most people.

I just couldn't help myself

I know I shouldn't but I just can't stop myself.

We went to Emma's conferences last night. She's doing very poorly in math and semi-poorly in Science. She's been convinced since the beginning of the school year that her science teacher hates her and she's had at least 5 math teachers so far this year because her real teacher is on medical leave.

I did not get the best impression from either of them 4 weeks ago (today might I add) when I met her math and science teachers at open house. Even then Emma said her science teacher hated her. I try to reassure her that she doesn't hate her but it's tough when I think the woman is a moron.

Case in point: Emma's social studies and language arts teachers tell me how she is doing and can annectdotally tell me about her. It's obvious that they know her. When Paul and I mention our concerns they give us real responses of what we can do to improve her grades (she's getting an A and B- so not too bad). The one thing they both say is that she's too chatty, a problem we've had an something we've heard since the day she started school. Literally. When I get to the science teacher she doesn't have a clue whose parents we are (they are sitting across the room from each other), I explain that we're Emma's parents. She unkindly explains that she has 2 Emmas so she'll need her last name. I tell her. She has no idea which class she is in and fumbles through her grade book. I tell her I think it's 4th hour class. She looks there. Nope. More fumbling. She finally finds her in her 3rd hour. She tells me her grade, which I already know because I live in 2009 and have internet access. I then proceed to explain that Emma thinks she doesn't like her, she had a difficult time making arrangments to retake/complete assignments when she was sick and again ask what we can do to help her. She reponds by telling us how she has to study for the quiz on Friday. Really, nothing more than that to help out. She also adds that she doesn't dislike her and in fast she never even hears from her. At this point I've concluded that the woman doesn't have a clue who my child actually is or she'd be telling me she talks too much in her class. Amazed, I stumble out after learning absolutely nothing about the two classes I need to hear about and concluding that while her science teacher may not hate her, she is a complete idiot.

How on earth are we going to go through the next 8 months with this woman? Ugh!

So the question is, is it really bad that I immensely dislike her teacher? It's hard not to sway Emma's opinions when I don't like her myself.

It just wasn't meant to be

Rewind 24 hours:
Looking forward to a weekend with Christy and Steve. They're headed in Friday and will be here until Sunday afternoon. Emma and I are headed to Lansing to hear the Accafellas and have dinner with the fam. Saturday, Christy and I are going to find something inexpensive to do and then will have dinner with Paul and Steve. Paul has to work during the day but will head downtown after. We've got a room Saturday night at the Renaissance Center. Plus, it's sweetest day. Oh, it's going to be sweet.

Fast forward to 11 a.m. today:
Oh no, Christy's grandfather is sick and they may not be able to come. That sucks but we can reschedule that. No worries, we still have a room downtown so Paul and I can still have dinner and spend the night in D-town. It will still be a great Sweetest Day. Let's hope Paul has something planned.

A few hours later (approximately 5:30 p.m.):
Paul: Hi. How are you?
Me: Good, how's work?
P: Okay. I have something to tell you.
M: Okay, what?
P: So you know how I told you I have to work tomorrow until 11 or 12 because of the big party? Well, it's actually Saturday.
M: (silence - yes, it's rare)
P: I figured I'd better call since I knew we had plans.
M: (more silence) Okay, can we talk about this when you get home?

At this point, I am frustrated, tired, irritated and a few other emotions.

About 7 p.m.:
I receive a message from Christy telling me that there has been no change with her grandfather but her mother has encouraged her to come because there is nothing she can do other than sit around.

So, now I have a friend coming in with her boyfriend, a room at a fancy hotel, dinner as the third wheel and a spouse who, if he does come downtown, will be tired and mad that I've asked him to come because he doesn't see the point in spending the money. Yep, screwed.

Now:
Fortunately about 8 Christy calls me back and we chat and decide to forgo the entire weekend until November. This should solve all problems assuming we can get the same hotel deal for that weekend.

It does not solve the problem that I will be all alone on Sweetest Day (say nothing even if you don't believe it's a real holiday) and to make it worse that my spouse will likely attempt to ignore the entire Sweetest Day and say nothing and do nothing and make me not feel special.

Yep, I'm a little bitter today.

I never realized

Growing up I always wanted to be close to my sister. Yet we never were and to this day we still aren't. We are just two very different people. Little did I know that just before my 13th birthday, the birth of a small child would change my life and my family forever. My cousin Sarah and I have the relationship I always dreamed I'd have with my sister. She's smart, wicked funny, a little bit obnoxious, lovable and just plain kind. She'd do anything for you and she views family just as importantly as I do. She's also huge on tradition, something near and dear to my heart!

Sarah's now 22 and at Michigan State. She's the most fun person I know and one of the few people I really consider my friend in Michigan. Strange because I never expected to find a friend in my cousin but I did. She calls me with favors, we strive to get together just to hang out and she's just amazing! I can't say enough about her. Some of my favorite emails are when she's sitting in class bored and sends me a random snippet of something. It often makes my day.

She said recently something about how she'd striven all her life for Robyn and I to accept her and think she was cool enough to hang out with. It really struck me because I remember feeling that way a lot. She's totally cool enough to hang out with. I just hope I never become uncool so she won't hang with me.

My wide range of emotions

(just after they were told to grab something)

My cousin Luke got married yesterday. But let me start a few days earlier. I took Friday off to help my aunt get ready for the rehearsal dinner. She was freaking out (to put it mildly) and I needed a day off. It ended up that I wasn't needed until late in the day so I actually had a day to myself. I filled it with errands, movies and trips to medical folks. I decided since I had a day off that I'd pay it visiting my ob/gyn. I haven't kept my desire to have a baby a secret from many nor have a been quiet about my frustrations about not getting pregnant not coming easily. It never fails to make me feel better after talking to her and this appointment did the same. She gave me some names of specialists, took blood and reassured me. I left for Jackson, MI with a lot to think about on the drive. I spent the next 24 hours in choir practices, rehearsal dinners, family visiting, a wedding and a reception. All without my husband who was at home working and planning to join us after work on Saturday. Ever so often I'd be attacked with pregnant woman, new babies or other things reminding me of the emptiness I am so acutely feeling right now. I couldn't help but be a little envious and even a little jealous. I'd read articles about woman who had been trying to get pregnant and stopped do anything social because it became torture to see their friends with babies. I vowed never to do that. Honestly, I'm thrilled for everyone with babies. They are so fortunate to have their dreams come true and I'm more than happy to hold their little one (I was told by one new parent that I was amazing when I stopped their fussy baby from crying) but sometimes it strikes me hard. Although I have to admit that the thing that hit me the hardest was listening to my cousin's new mother-in-law comment as Diane and Luke were opening their wedding presents that they'd better not get pregnant too quickly because she wasn't ready to plan another party. It dawned on me then that my cousin who is ten years younger than I am and one day married could possibly have a baby before I do. That one hit hard.

So I've turned the other cheek (or not - but I'm trying), I'm going to do my best and not get upset. We will have that baby we've longed for. When it's right. And I need to stop stressing about it because that's not helping at all. Just like the Little Engine that Could -- I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

You called me a what?

My husband called me a picture whore over the weekend. I attempted to be offended but I couldn't help but laugh out loud. We had to take every picture down in our living room and hallway to paint and have the carpet installed and we do have many. As we were putting our life (or living room) back together I suggested that we might want to move some pictures around a bit. He laughed at me and told that I was a picture whore and had plenty. Why on earth didn't I share? :)

I can't help but laugh at think he's perfectly right.